...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
