I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
