So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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