You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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