Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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