we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
