She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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