the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
