When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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