i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The ass gains better be worth it
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