Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
