shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The air taste purple.
Randomize
