; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
People in love make me want to vomit
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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