just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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