She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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