Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
