I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
