I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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