if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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