I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize