stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
