she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
