what day is it and did you see me today?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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