you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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