so explain again why im purple
no
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
