I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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