What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
