so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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