So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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