I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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