ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
