if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
