So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
