I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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