omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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