I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
