Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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