dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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