Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
