I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Two words: blizzard sex
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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