I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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