saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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