i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
