im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
