The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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