people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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