i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
