whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
