Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
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