Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
