my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
